Every time the year is about to end, we try to evaluate it – recognize what we did wrong and what we did right and promise ourselves that we will do better next year.
Since 2018 is almost gone, the time for resolutions and goals for 2019 is here.
I won’t bother you with my own personal ones, of course, but I will share my predictions for the English Premier League clubs and what to expect from them in the forthcoming year.
As you will quickly note, this post is not exactly the most serious one. The idea is to have some fun, so don’t get offended by what you see for your favorite club.
Just enjoy a light-hearted look at what 2019 will hold for each EPL club.
Despite his long years of loyal service and success at the club, AFC Bournemouth will decide it’s finally time to sack Eddie Howe.
The club will let him go in February and appoint Jose Mourinho. He will be sacked after his first game in charge after beating Manchester City only 3-1, which the AFC Bournemouth board will find unacceptable.
Arsene Wenger will be the next appointment, but he will lose his job after two hours because the chairman of the club won’t like his accent.
By the end of the season, AFC Bournemouth will change a total of 14 managers. Each new man will be announced with a press conference highlighting that the club is working for the long-term future and with a clear purpose in mind.
Unai Emery will continue rebuilding Arsenal and installing his ideas. The club will never again be leading any game at half-time with the Spaniard at the helm in 2019.
However, he will still be brilliant with his substitutions at the interval, so the Gunners will be unbeaten for the whole of 2019 in all competitions and friendly games.
In December, assistant manager Steve Bould will have an epiphany. He will ask Emery the following.
Emery will leave and spend seven years in Tibet, thinking about Bould’s question. He will return to the club and revolutionize it by sending his best eleven from the start in every single match.
Unai Emery and Arsenal will win every single trophy in 2026, including the Super Bowl, Wimbledon, 12 Academy Awards, Dancing with the Stars UK, six Grammy Awards, and a Nobel Prize for literature.
Brighton and Hove Albion
Glenn Murray will continue to improve his form and score more and more goals, despite getting older on paper. This will raise the curiosity of manager Chris Hughton, and he will get the 35-year-old striker tested.
After an extensive research process, doctors will discover that Glenn Murray has the same condition as Benjamin Button. This means he will reach his physical peak at the age of 58 and dominate the 2040s, winning eight Ballon d’Ors in a row and leading England to consecutive World Cup titles.
It has been discovered that Burnley’s slump in form is the result of Sean Dyche having an operation on his vocal cords. His new high and smooth voice does not command the same respect from the players.
Burnley owners are moving quickly to fund a restoration of the manager’s old vocal timbre. Analysts have predicted that having his voice back will keep Burnley in the top flight at least until the 2540/2541 season, at which point the league will be called Burnley’s Premier League.
Neil Warnock will somehow manage to help Cardiff City beat the drop and stay in the English Premier League in May. His players will bravely overcome the gap between other teams and will dramatically earn their place in the competition thanks to their spirit and determination.
Unfortunately for them, a sneaky complaint by 18th-placed Huddersfield will make the English FA realize that Cardiff is actually a city in Wales. As a result, the club will be removed from the EPL for good, with the official argument “How can a Welsh club play in the English Premier League?”
After years of changing managers at the first sight of trouble, Russian owner Roman Abramovich will finally change after a heartbreaking visit to the TV show “Dr. Phil.”
The famous psychiatrist will dig deep and make the Chelsea owner realize that his first girlfriend abandoning him in his teenage years is the reason he is sacking the managers so quickly.
The fear that they might leave first pushed Abramovich to act and avoid another rejection. As a result, the Russian will break into tears and offer Maurizio Sarri the role of a Chelsea manager in good or bad, until death do him and the club part.
After careful consideration, the owners of Crystal Palace will decide that they will fire the entire coaching staff and the whole squad, apart from Wilfried Zaha, as he is the only one actually doing something.
The places of the players, managers, and coaches will be taken by random fans, picked through a raffle during Palace’s first EPL home game in 2019.
This won’t affect the results of the team, and it will comfortably finish in the middle of the table.
After years of trying and hoping that they could return to their glory days, the Everton fans will accept the fact that the club is not among England’s elite anymore.
There will be a petition to change the name to Neverton and move to a local Sunday league, where the club can fight for trophies once again.
Fulham will continue to struggle despite the appointment of Claudio Ranieri as manager. After conceding 25 goals in the first four EPL games in 2019, there will be an urgent meeting between the board and the coaching staff with the main target of improving the defense.
After careful consideration, the decision will be to buy Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Eden Hazard to replace the inefficient Aleksandar Mitrovic, Andre Schurrle, and Jean Michael Seri.
After all, the attack is the first line of defense in modern soccer.
After their hideous plan to eliminate Cardiff City from the EPL works and Huddersfield Town stays in the elite, the board will decide that this should become a long-term strategy.
The club will stop investing in players and will focus on digging up scandals, dirty secrets, and shameful stories from the past of other clubs. Huddersfield will hire former campaign members of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton for that purpose.
There will be nothing that interesting around Leicester City in 2019 from a soccer perspective. The club will have a decent second half of the season and finish in the middle of the EPL table.
However, the town will witness some miracles throughout the year. Jesus will be reborn under the name Dave Chester, a local girl will walk on water, a fan of Leicester will turn water into beer, and the weather will be sunny all year long.
If you think that I’m making this up and that it can’t happen, just remember the EPL 2015-2016 season.
Despite the improvement under Jurgen Klopp and the exciting style of Liverpool, the club will finish second in the English Premier League, as well as lose the Champions League and FA Cup finals, both times because of a mistake from the right wing.
This will force the German manager to invest £250 million in a 17-year-old right-back from Plymouth, as a local newspaper will label him “the new Cafu” after an impressive performance in the youth league.
After two practice sessions with Liverpool, Klopp will declare that he would’ve easily paid ten times the money for the lad.
Pep Guardiola and his men will once again win the English Premier League, breaking their own record for most points. The Spanish manager will be satisfied but eager to improve for next season after the club fails to win the Champions League once again.
He will invest a modest £500 million in the summer, building a squad that is so strong that a fit Sergio Aguero will only be allowed to sit on the bench in the early rounds of the Carabao Cup games.
Ed Woodward will realize that the sacking of Mourinho was the wrong decision and that they can make it work under the influence of Gary Neville.
The executive will instantly catch a plane ticket to Portugal and ring Jose’s doorbell, holding flowers. Woodward will explain that he didn’t want a separation; he simply wanted more attention, and it all went too far.
Mourinho will break into tears but will stay firm and explain that it is all over. Woodward will return to Manchester, spending his life thinking that Jose was the one that got away.
In a sudden change of heart, the Newcastle supporters will dramatically transform their hate for Mike Ashley into love. They will start vigorously supporting the owner and will stand firmly behind every single one of his decisions, believing it’s the best for the club.
This will bore Ashley, and he will transfer the club to a random investor for free. The whole city will be heartbroken.
The constant interest in the origin of his name will force new manager Ralph Hasenhüttl to reveal the story behind it.
He will call a press conference to announce that he was named after a character from the famous “Hansel and Gretel” short story, but he was too dark and was removed from the modern adaptation.
Despite his disappointment from the lack of trophies for yet another season and the fact that other teams have more resources, Mauricio Pochettino won’t quit his Spurs project.
He will stay for another year and win 110 points from a possible 114 in the 2019-2020 season, only to finish second behind City’s tally of 111.
Tottenham will also beat Real Madrid, Barcelona, and Bayern Munich on the road to the Champions League final, only to lose the final battle to Guardiola.
As a result, the Argentinian manager will become a monk, seeking a modest life that’s far from the pressure and vanity of the modern world.
After years of being one of the most inconsistent teams in the English Premier League, Watford will finally change in 2019.
Every single game of the club during that year will have exactly the same result, shots on targets, throw-ins, fouls, goal kicks, corner kicks, and minutes of injury time. Watford will play with the same starting eleven and same tactics, finally proving its games are not that unpredictable.
West Ham United
West Ham supporters will finally understand that they can hate Spurs, Arsenal, Chelsea, or other London clubs as much as they want, but it will never be the same without Millwall. There’s nothing like your first love, after all.
They will start a petition for the club to get dropped to the Championship, so both rivals can be reunited after so many years of rebounds and substitutes.
The manager, Nuno Espirito Santo, will continue his task of building a Portuguese team in the English Premier League. The club will attract another 12 players from Portugal in the next two transfer windows and also slowly start importing fans from the Southern country.
In the end, the manager will convince the owners to move Wolverhampton Wanderers to Portugal and change the name to Coimbra Errantes.
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Previewing 2019 in the English Premier League – What I Expect to Happen to Each ClubDecember 21, 2018